Not Good Enough
by syriala
Summary: Written for this prompt on Tumblr: Angsty, breakup, IronFalcon. It's exactly that.


Tony was walking around the tower while he waited for the call to connect. When it finally did, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Hello?" Sam's voice rang through the speaker and Tony closed his eyes. It had been too long since he heard his husbands' voice.

"Sam," he breathed and there was a brief silence on the other side before Sam replied with "Hey."

He was in public then. Tony hated it, but he could work with that.

"Where are you?" he asked and he could hear faint talking in the backround.

"At a cafe," Sam replied and Tony briefly wondered if the secret of their marriage was so important in the face of strangers, but Tony swallowed everything he wanted to say about that.

"I miss you," Tony said, shortly completely forgetting why he had called in the first place.

"I miss you as well," Sam softly said. "What's up?" he then asked and Tony swallowed.

"Do you have time?" Tony asked; he wanted to coordinate their next week together but when Sam let out a sigh, he knew that it wouldn't happen now.

"I'm sorry, but no. I am waiting on someone, and I can't miss them," Sam explained and Tony took a deep breath.

"That's fine. Just...call me back when you have the time?"

"Sure. Talk to you later," Sam hurriedly replied and then hung up on Tony.

The next time Tony saw him, Sam was on a highway in a fight, with nothing but a small knife. Sam didn't reply to his calls.

When Shield was done, and Natasha called Tony to let him know about the files he also learned that Sam was well and fine and keeping watch over Steve.

Tony waited three days for Sam to call but in the end it was him who caved.

The phone went to voicemail several times before Sam finally picked up.

"Hi," he said and he sounded tired.

"How are you?" Tony immediately asked and Sam chuckled weakly.

"So tired I'm not even sure I could find my bed anymore," Sam replied and Tony wanted to tell him that if he was in the tower, with Tony, where he belonged, he wouldn't have to worry about that.

Instead he asked: "Where are you? Why are you not home?"

"I'm with Steve," Sam lowly replied. "I can't tell you more."

"Why not?" Tony demanded to know and Sam sighed.

"I promised I would keep it on the low."

"I am pretty sure Steve would understand if you told your husband," he snapped at Sam and Sam stayed silent for too long.

"Dont' you know what happened? I can't tell him I lied to him right now. You have to understand."

"I was a bit busy getting the files back Natasha so thoughtfully dumped on the internet. If you wanted me to be in the loop you should just keep me informed," Tony coldly said before he hung up on Sam.

Not even a minute later Sam texted him.

'I am sorry,' the message read. 'I love you.' Tony didn't bother to reply.

When Tony saw his friends dead on a cold hard rock, Sam was right there next to Steve, and Tony's first instinct afterwards was to call him, to ask if he was alright, but he was afraid that his call would go unanswered, like so often in the last few months. He somehow managed without.

The next time Sam and Tony where in the same room and actually able to see each other in person was at the Avengers' party, almost a year later.

It was a shitty situation, because their marriage was still a secret, and this was about the Avengers, not about Tony and his personal life, and so they couldn't do much more than politely nod at each other when Steve 'introduced' them.

Sam kept close to Steve's side the whole evening, while Tony never ventured too far from Rhodey, who shot him one concerned glance after the other.

"Are you alright?" he asked him at the bar later that evening, when they were relatively alone.

"Of course I am," Tony replied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"How is Sam?" Rhodey instead asked and Tony downed his whiskey in one go.

"Why don't you go ask Steve?" he bit out and walked away.

He hurried to the bathroom, desperate to get a little break, but not a minute after he entered it, the door opened again and Sam stepped in.

"Tony," he breathed and with three big steps he was at Tony's side to crush him to his chest.

"God, I missed you," Sam breathed into his hair and Tony wanted to be angry, he had a speech prepared and everything, but when Sam's smell engulfed him, his strong arms unmovable around him, Tony sank into the embrace.

"I missed you, too," he said and willed the last year away.

It didn't have to matter if he didn't let it.

"I never get to see you anymore," Tony said when Sam released him.

"I'm busy," Sam vaguely replied and Tony nodded.

"Steve," he guessed and Sam shrugged.

"He still needs my help. He doesn't have enough time with being an Avenger and all," Sam explained and Tony frowned.

"Time for what?"

Sam hesitated before he said: "He's still looking for Hydra bases."

"You mean, he is still looking for Barnes. I'm not stupid, Sam. I pieced it together."

"I knew you would," Sam sighed.

"I can help," Tony told him. "Let me help."

"He won't let you," Sam regretfully said.

"Then let me help you," Tony urged him on but Sam shook his head.

"You can't. He'll know. You can't help me."

"So you're out there, on your own, looking for a former assassin and the remnants of Hydra all on your own and you won't even let your husband help you," Tony summariezed it and Sam shrugged.

"I'm just looking for leads. If I find something I call Steve and he takes care of it."

"Until one of the leads turns out to be an actual trail and then proceeds to bite you in the ass. Why can't you trust me with this?" Tony desperately asked him and Sam took his hand.

"I would. But it's not just about me. Steve..."

"He doesn't trust me," Tony finished for him and took his hand back. "Maybe he would if you would tell him we're married," Tony stated before he left without a glance back.

He didn't see Sam again that evening.

Sam joined the new Avengers and Tony found out when he came by the facility to give his resignation and see off Thor. He wasn't even surprised anymore.

Tony eventually stopped calling. He was tired of being fobbed off with lies and half-truths, of being left out of the loop of his husbands' life, of having to learn through the news and Natasha what Sam was up to, because he couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone.

So when Sam called him Tony was delighted. Right until Sam told him the reason for his call.

"Tony, I need you to improve my suit. I encountered some form of size changer last week and he trashed my wings. Can you do something about that?" Sam asked him after they exchanged some stiff pleasantries and Tony was tempted to throw the phone against the next wall.

"Sure," he shortly replied and Sam's frown was audible.

"Tony, are you alright? Really alright?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because you don't sound okay."

"Maybe that's because I haven't seen you or heard from you in over three months and now you call me to ask me to build something for you. You know when I married you, I never figured you would be the gold-digger type."

"I am not," Sam told him and his voice sounded strained. "You know I'm not. But I have been busy and you don't call anymore either,"

"Because I am tired of being brushed off, of being treated like I'm not important."

"But you are, Tony. You are. I love you."

"It would be nice to hear you say it every once in a while. Or actually see you." Before Sam could reply to that Tony went on. "I'll get it done."

He hung up without saying goodbye.

Tony had to schedule a meeting with Steve to see Sam. It would be funny if it wasn't the last nail in the coffin that was their marriage.

Tony was waiting for Sam when he entered the conference room, clearly not expecting Tony.

"What are you doing here?" he asked and hurriedly looked around, checking that no one saw him enter the room before he closed the door.

"Don't bother. Steve knows I'm here," Tony told him. He tried for cold and uncaring, trying to make his voice as hard as he could, but he knew that he failed. He probably sounded as tired as he felt.

"What? Why? Does he know..." Sam trailed off and Tony scoffed.

"That we're married? No. And don't worry, no one will find out now," Tony said and pointed at the papers on the table.

Sam took a step closer and blanched when he saw them.

"Tony," he pleaded and Tony got up.

"It was supposed to get better when you came back from the Army. You stepped down, and I know the reason for that was horrible, but it was supposed to be a good thing for us. More time together. Instead I don't get to see you at all, now. Did you know that we met face to face three times in the last two years, including right now?"

Sam heavily sat down on a chair. "It's not on purpose," he weakly said and looked up at Tony. "It's not, I swear to God. I love you, Tony. I still love you."

"Even when you were in the Army, we saw each other more often than that."

"That can change. I'm pretty sure we got a good trail now and..."

"And after that something else will come up," Tony dismissed him. "But it's not only that, Sam, you know it's not. You're not telling me everything, and don't think I don't know when you lie. You do it quite frequently these days."

"Tony, please," Sam begged.

"You know what I keep wishing for?" Tony asked him and Sam silently shook his head.

"That your wings break. That you take a hit and your gear breaks. Because then at least you'd have to call me, to ask me to fix it. That's what I'm wishing for. That my husband gets hurt so I get to see him," Tony admitted with a choked off voice. "And I can't live like that. I hate myself for it and I can't live with that."

"Oh my god, I am so sorry," Sam said and there were tears in his eyes. "But we can work on it, we can get better. I promise to try harder."

"I also can't live with that hope," Tony told him. "You keep secrets for Steve. I know he is your friend and boss, and you are entitled to keep secrets for him, but I can't...I can't take that. We promised each other, honesty, no matter what, and you are not keeping your vow, Sam. And it hurts, it hurts so damn much and I need you to sign these, please."

Sam looked down at the papers, tears finally spilling over and he fiddled with the pen.

"One last chance, Tony. Give me one last chance. I never meant to hurt you."

"When was the last time you thought about me without me needing to fix something for you?" Tony asked him and Sam kept silent. "When was the last time something in your life happened and you thought 'I need to tell Tony about that'?" He was met with more silence. "When was the last time you wanted to see me?" Still no answer. "When was the last time you wished our marriage wasn't a secret anymore?" Tony finished with a whisper and couldn't keep his eyes on Sam. The silence was answer enough.

Tony pointed at the papers. "That's your chance. Sign this and there is no secret to keep anymore. We will just be acquaintances."

"It's not that easy," Sam softly said and Tony nodded.

"No, it's not. But it will be easier than this."

Sam worried his lip before he asked Tony: "You really want this? Maybe we should think this over."

"Look at the print date," Tony told him. He had deliberately printed it onto the divorce papers.

"Half a year," Sam breathed in shock when he found it. "You wanted to do that for half a year."

"I tried, Sam. I tried calling you, I tried meeting with you. But you don't even know that, right, because you were too busy helping Steve. I had to ask him to set up this meeting, to pencil it in as official Avengers' business for you to even show. I am pretty sure," Tony said and now, finally his voice was firm.

"I never meant to let it come to this," Sam whispered as he picked up the pen. "I didn't even realize..."

"I know. I know this was not deliberate on your part. But it happened and I can't stand it. So please, please, just sign these papers."

"It doesn't change the fact that I love you," Sam said with vehemence put he put his signature on the dotted line. "I don't think I can ever stop loving you."

"I love you, too. But this is just not right for us anymore. Not now. Maybe again, later, but not now."

"So we can try again, after this is over," Sam questioned and his voice was full of hope. Tony wanted to cry.

"If this is ever over, we can try again, yes," Tony haltingly admitted and then squared his shoulders. "But not now. Thank you for doing this," he said with a nod to the signature and then quickly gathered it all up.

"Anything for you," Sam softly said and Tony hurt, he hurt all over, because once upon a time that had been true, but he wasn't so sure now anymore.

He left without a glance back.

Five days later General Ross presented the Accords to him.


End file.
